ROMANCE | SECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP


Even if you are a lazy reader, train yourself with this! Read every line and let it sink!
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I had typed this article before and lost it as a result of power outage! I had worked on it for days and lost it! I had no plans of writing it again after mourning the loss but this evening, I felt the unusual push that makes me write when I don’t plan to and I had to start it up again in a more powerful way!
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This would be the answer to that problem in your relationship. It is long anyway and I just couldn’t help it because I needed to get down with this just the way it is in my heart. Being a hyper sensitive person, I am in a better position to talk about this very topic! Why? I don’t know but I think hyper sensitive people are also very sensitive to insecurities! I am writing from experience, inspiration, knowledge and testimonies from people I had counseled or discussed with!
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It might really cost you nothing to be romantic in your relationship but it could cost you a lot to stay rigid, cold and unresponsive. To be romantic could also mean to be able to meet up with vital emotional needs of your partner.
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It takes two to make relationships work, when one person is doing all the work of maintaining a relationship, he would get exhausted and give up not because he never wanted you but because his strength has been used up. Okay… I would be using “he” but you must be aware this article isn’t gender specific. I am addressing both sex and will try my best to use words that show it.
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When I write about “romance” I am presenting it on the perspective of a Christian, giving boundaries to where we are supposed to give boundaries. For instance, meeting the emotional needs of your married partner would involve the act of sex in all it’s form while meeting the emotional need of your partner who hasn’t tied the knot would exclude all those activities designed to be practiced by married couples. Should unmarried couples kiss? That is not the subject and I wouldn’t go into that! Cultural norms differ… Let me not interfere with my personal view on that but you should be aware that I am more conservative than liberal.
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Let’s continue! God designed sex for married couples because that is the only healthy place to practice it but there are other important emotional needs people don’t pay attention to and because they neglect it, they keep experiencing cold relationships with their partner, they keep wondering what went wrong and they wouldn’t know they are the architects of their own issues. I will mention only one emotional need here and break it down the best way I can. This applies to every relationship, marital or not… It even applies to business relationships as a principle but I am addressing pre & post marital relationships.
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I would have just talked about “Romance” but it is broad and would warrant writing an entire book on it! Romance is simply a word that defines what goes on when certain necessities are put into place in a relationship. Romance is the excitement of relationships… It is chiefly displayed in infatuations and scarcely displayed in serious relationships… Very unfortunate. Romance is a verb, it comprises of lots of actions and these actions while having their different definitions would be summarized in one adjective “Romantic.” However, I would just bring out one character of romance and we start explaining how this would save your relationship and how it would spice it up!
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This one word is “CARE” but care in itself isn’t why I am mentioning it, I mentioned care because it truly deals with “INSECURITY”. We often see cases where a partner is accused of being too insecure, I believe that insecurity is only an after effect of something else. We shouldn’t be quick in pointing fingers to the person who feels insecure, the more we point fingers at our partner for feeling insecure, we breed more insecurity. It is like a man saying to his wife “I just hate one thing about you… You don’t trust me!” And then the next minute runs inside the toilet to answer calls in low tunes, keeps his phones on code and maintains an aura of secrecy! We shouldn’t blame our partners at times for accessing our inbox, it is true that some go out of hand with that practice but sometimes our actions raises the curiosity of our partner and make them seek for a satisfaction of their curiosity.
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How does care come into play here? Many people seem to show care and their partner still feel very insecure! How does “care” solve the problem of insecurity? First… I’d like you to know that care is broader than you think! When I see women say “I just want a man that is caring” I laugh because they wanted to say “I just want a man that is generous!” Generosity is not care, to be caring simply means to be concerned and to act as regards to that! I didn’t have to look at the dictionary to define this but am sure the dictionary would have so many definition for it but not contradictory to what I have pointed out here.
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Let me tell you who a caring partner is! It is a person who is concerned about your total well being including your emotional well being. In fact, a person who isn’t concerned about your emotional well being isn’t caring in any sense! What do you call a man who buys you the world just to get you to bed and that ends the whole drama? You get pregnant and he ask you to abort the child or keep it at your own peril. His giving wasn’t because he is caring, it is because he feels he could buy his desires with money! He wraps the money in a definition called “gift” but it is not a gift! He is paying for what you aren’t willing to give him! That you entered a gift store doesn’t mean you’re a gonna receive a gift from them, it only becomes a gift when you don’t have to pay for it. So many actions we defined as caring isn’t truly care! Let me use another example. What do you call a man who takes a woman to places, buy her expensive clothes and then married her only to stop doing those things he was doing before? He simply bought his way into her heart but in true words “he isn’t caring.” In Eastern Nigeria where I grew up, there is an Igbo proverb that says “the devil gives with the right hand and collect it back with his left hand.”
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Care isn’t what you can fake, if you are caring, it cannot be forced out of you, you just show it! What if someone isn’t caring? He or she should learn it and make a skill out of it! It is something worthy of learning if you truly want your relationship to be worth it! Let us go further.
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The aspect of care I would like to dwell on is emotional care, maybe this was what I meant when I said “meeting emotional needs”. Some of us are great in meeting financial needs but not emotional needs because we don’t really think its important but that is much more important than every other need as regards to our relationships because everything we do stems from the mind, our love affairs starts from the mind! If you are not in love with your partner in your mind, you can’t truly be in love with them! Our emotion is the showcase of the state of our mind, it is that part of the mind that truly controls how we feel. So, when we ask that people get concerned about their partner’s emotional needs, we are asking that they get concerned with what their partner are supposed to feel about their relationship. I just hope am getting it clearer… I just hope am using the right words.
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What does your partner feel about your relationship with him or her? Do they feel safe with you? Do they feel they are loosing out on you? Do they feel something is wrong about the relationship? Believe me, they just didn’t start feeling that way, something prompted it! Either their expectations aren’t being met or the happenings aren’t giving them a good sense of security. You contribute a great percentage of how your partner feels as regards to your relationship with him or her.
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Oh yes!
I always teach people to take mastery of how they feel, not to let things happening around them dictate how they feel! But it is very hard and takes lots of effort when their relationships aren’t giving them a sense of security, they are right to be scared, they are right to feel insecure and sometimes they are right to even walk away instead of die slowly in a relationship that gets them thin and worried at all times.
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How do you meet your partner’s emotional needs?
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Primarily, you must understand that you are different from your partner, you are two different people in a union and you must learn to understand your partner, you must learn to see life with two eyes and not one eyes… I mean, you must learn to see life from your own perspective and that of your partner and you must learnt to communicate and act in a way that doesn’t compromise who you are supposed to be and yet doesn’t offend your partner or get them upset.
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God said “and two shall become one flesh” not “and two equal half shall become one!” Let me explain, we are two complete persons, we are totally different, we may be going the same direction with the same sense of purpose but we are two distinct being from different background and family which shapes how we see life! But then, we come into a union where we must learn to understand ourselves in order to stay together! This means we must learn to give up on ourself and learn to be a new person for the sake of our partner! It means learning what we ought to learn, getting better where we ought to get better and learning to see life from another perspective! I could give a hundred examples but let me just get on with a few so that my point can be driven home safely.
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You mustn’t always say sorry for every mistake, sometimes learn to stop making those mistakes to avoid saying “sorry” again! If you keep making the same mess everyday, your “sorry” would become as good as “sweetie… I can’t get better… I can’t be corrected… I can’t learn. Just accept it that way!” Hey! Nobody wants to be in that kind of relationship! Even God is not pleased when we act that way towards Him. When you notice there are things you do that usually upset your partner, adjust… Even if they didn’t complain! If you are truly concerned about your partner’s emotions you’ll always pay attention to details!
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Learn to reciprocate your partner’s affection towards you! Don’t be rigid! Believe me, there can never be any sweet relationship without a generous display of affection! If your personality lacks affection, learn it and make it your habit! Showing and reciprocating affection brings a sense of security to your partner! It makes them understand that you care so much about them, it settles every doubt they might have had because of things that happened earlier! Don’t be dismayed when your partner starts feeling insecure, at some point you might also feel insecure when they act in ways that awakens the feeling! Make them feel secured, don’t say “well, am not used to such pettings…” Your relationship might be on its way to doom, not just your current relationship but even your marriage! I will always advice people, before you run away from any relationship, make sure you aren’t the beast chasing yourself around, make sure that it is not your reflection that is chasing you around because if you run out of that relationship, you will obviously still run out of every other relationship until you either kill or tame that beast!
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Why do people run out of home into the arms of a stranger? Because they are looking for affection! It’s good if you have trained yourself not to depend on your partners affection but I wonder if a relationship is still necessary when affection isn’t there! If you are not concerned about it, it is bad to think everyone has the strength to do same! A young girl said to me “I don’t care if my husband is a flirt, I only want him to always remember he left me at home and come back to me” and I replied “if I were to marry you, I still care a lot who you are even if you don’t care who I am! I can’t stand a flirt!”
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Still on affection.
It is sickening to say “I love you so much” to someone whom I believe also loves me to get cold reply like “okay”, “thank you” or other formal responses! I believe that if you truly love me, my communication of affection should be reciprocated! I expect “aww! I love you too honey!” Yes! I expect something more than what I had said! I communicated it because I wanted to give a sense of security to my partner and I expect same! You don’t know why God’s word constantly reminds us of His love for us! Because we are humans with soul, our minds needs a constant renewal… In a sense, a reminder of His love for us. It doesn’t matter how much we have heard it, He keeps telling us how much He loves us. He wants us to feel secure, He guaranteed eternal security but He keeps reminding us of it! Yet, we are also encouraged by His words to love Him! He loves us and want us to love Him! Shouldn’t this teach us how to also relate to our partners?
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Do you know that affection brings down the feeling of jealousy? Jealousy isn’t anything different from insecurity… Jealousy is the feeling of sadness or anger when someone you like seems to like someone else other than you, thereby putting your relationship with the person at risk! This can be solved when affection is not lacking in your relationship. The essence of this entire article is to show you ways to make your partner feel secured and remain committed to building your relationship. If you want your relationship to fail, do the opposite. When your partner sees you with another person, you are smiling and getting along well with that person, do you think he or she wouldn’t feel insecure? They definitely will and it will result to jealousy! How do you think your partner will feel after answering that call from an opposite sex and you are so full of smiles, you even used pet words and said things like “I have really missed you oh”, how do you think your partner will feel when they stumble into your chats with your admirers who may be calling you “sweetheart” and you answer them without having anything in mind? The best word to describe the feelings associated with what your partner feels at those points is “insecurity”, when they express it, it is jealousy! You would feel that same way too if you were in their shoes, don’t pretend… You will!
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Now, does this mean we shun everyone else from our lives? Does it mean we stop communicating with other friends? Does it mean we stop paying people of opposite sex visit at times or even hang out with friends? No! Sometimes if not most times, I let my partner be aware if I am going out with someone, not because she would stop me but telling her about it gives her a sense of belonging, it makes her know that I care about her and think she should know about it… It makes her feel she is in control even when I am diplomatically being in control! Sometimes I even say to her “I wish you were here to hang out with me.”
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Another way you would help your partner feel secured even when things suggesting otherwise happens is by reaffirming your love for them without having to ask those words out of you! For example, after answering such calls I cited, you would look at your partner with smiles and say “that was a friend I spoke with, they can’t just leave me alone. You’re still the best… The only option! Love you always.” Believe me, those words will go deep down into his or her heart and kill that insecurity if you communicated them in sincerity. You wouldn’t just repeat those words all the time, play with words and sometimes speak with actions! How about meeting your partner when you were taking a walk or meeting someone who is an opposite sex? Introduce your partner to that person if you’re truly proud of your partner! Oh yes… Unless you’re cheating. If you’re cheating, I don’t have a help tip for you… Stop cheating! That’s the only thing I could say to you now! Don’t kiss strangers and wave at your partner, don’t hug strangers and give your partner just a shoulder, don’t laugh with others and get formal with your partner… This is why I can’t be in relationship with someone who isn’t a friend! Even if I wanted a relationship with someone who calls me “Boss,” I would have to deal with changing her views of me as boss to friend before proceeding with making my proposal! Hope we understand the context in which I am using that word “relationship” here? I guess yes!
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Sometimes your partner gets cold about your relationship, it is because doubts are setting in. You could check if it is a problem on your own side, do you lack affection?
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You must not always agree with your partner but you can always show affection! Do you know? You can still hold your partner’s hand and say “baby, it’s not like you don’t make sense but I still think it is better if we do it that way. What do you think?” The way we communicate our disagreements to our partner determines how they respond! Sometimes we get them to agree with us using our affection! Unless you are dealing with someone who is fed up!
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When one partner is doing all the stuff, showing all the care, meeting all the need while the other remains at the receiving end, insecurity also sets in! In fact, it drains your partner’s energy faster till they get to that point of giving up! You mustn’t reciprocate everything your partner do for you with something of same value but there is always a way! If your partner gives you a support, money for instance, no matter how little… You would just have to say something like “oh sweetie! Thanks a lot for your care. I really appreciate it!” They will be inspired to do more! But when you just go flat with your formal “thank you,” you are killing the morale of your partner. When I do something for my partner, I expect an appreciation! Her appreciation proves to me that she truly accepted my support in love and not “to fulfill all righteousness.”
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I understand we have diverse temperaments! Introverts may truly appreciate your efforts and still sound cold, introverts may find it a bit hard to express their affections but it is something to be learned! I am an introvert, if I couldn’t say words to you in appreciation, I write them and send to you! Yes, you learn it! Let me use this word “fake it until it becomes you” because it will save your relationship! When I say “fake it” please understand that I mean “practice it.”
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Learn it at its best to be very informal with your partner! I would hang up the call when I hear a formal response from my partner because I would get short of words! I expect an affectionate response even if it’s just “hello.” You can still have friends of the opposite sex and still have your partner trust you if you are sincere and open to your partner about your friends! I will assume you are cheating on me when you’re secretly meeting someone else, if you are sincere and concerned about my emotions, you would not be hiding it from me.
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I might go further but I think I should let this sink! You may have to read it again and again until you would quote in your dreams… This will solve a lot of mess in your relationship!
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God bless you!
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-George O.N-
Pastor | Author | Coach
#GracefulGeorge

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