I was in a meeting when a woman was asked “your husband seldom stays at home due to the nature of his job. How do you cope?” And she replied, “well, it makes no difference to me as long as he drops good money on the table”. Well, she just disclosed why she got married, it wasn’t for love but for money and as long as she is concerned, her marriage is working because he drops money on the table. How about if he stops dropping money on the table? How about when circumstances change, will she still stick to him?
Sometimes we wrongly think that being crazy about someone equals love, we think that because someone misses us means we are loved but all those aren’t enough and does not necessarily indicate love. There are people who might miss you so much but these people are very unwilling to make serious sacrifices for you, they adore you and they are loyal to you but they will never make any sacrificial effort towards you because you aren’t the reason why they are with you, they are with your for themselves! They only serve your interest at their own convenience but they only want to be with you just because of themselves.
I figured out what the problem is.
If you claim to love someone without the zeal to make sacrifices and go out of your way for them, it may be something about them that you like and not necessarily that you love them. If what you like about them is taken away, you surely may not want them again. It is true that we always ask people “why do you love me?” But if there is “why” to that love, then, it is not love! We can be attracted to people for a reason, we can be endeared to people for a reason but a love that has reasons attached will bail out when those reasons fade away!
It’s possible to want to have someone without even loving them, there are various reasons you may want to have someone; it may be about security, it may be the care and attention you get from them, it may be their intelligence and creativity. You want it for yourself, it’s all about you and has nothing to do with them. If the security wasn’t there, you won’t want to be with them! If the care isn’t there, you wouldn’t want to be with them.
You can be crazy about someone but the craze is about what they have and how it will go a long way to meet your needs, it has nothing to do with them, you miss them simply because of what they put on the table. It is true that some things can attract us to people but it isn’t fair to make decisions based on mere attraction. If they lose that stuff, will they remain?
For me, love is a decision, a decision to stand with someone despite the odds and the surprises that will surface. It’s okay if you want to be with people because they have what you want but it is wrong when you label it love, it reduces the meaning of love to mere selfishness! Love goes out of the way of self and puts another person first. Love doesn’t think of “what will I gain from him?” It thinks of “what will he gain from me? How do I make him better?” Love is more of others than it is more of ourselves.
Maybe, we need to review our relationships again to know if it’s love or just about ourselves.
“I am dating a girl and we are planning to get married next year. She told me that she doesn’t like cooking or doing the house chores with the excuse that she is a career woman. We’ve not always been together but I noticed it when she visited over the weekend. She didn’t sweep nor cleaned the house, she didn’t bother herself with the kitchen too. It was nothing for me though as it was my routine. I love her but am confused, I am wondering if I can cope. What do I do?” – Name Undisclosed (Originally asked on Gwen Divy’s Wall)
Love is a beautiful thing, we all need to love and be loved. But there is something called commitment. If love is true, commitment to that love is inevitable. Commitment to love is what truly proves it. People don’t always have to do what they like all the time, I get to do my laundries every weekend but I hate laundry! I get to go to work every day even when I don’t feel like, I type on my blog sometimes when I feel inspired but don’t like to write. The sense of responsibility should be able to make people do certain things that they are supposed to do even if they don’t want to do it.
True, you aren’t getting married because you need a cook and you aren’t getting married because you need someone who can wash your clothes. Marriage is about companionship.
I say again, commitment to love is what proves love and not the affirmation of it. Nobody truly likes cooking, but everybody likes eating. If she can’t cook, that’s not the problem. If she is not willing to learn, that’s the problem. If she can cook but doesn’t like to cook, that still isn’t the problem but if she only does what she likes, then there is a big problem. She can also wake up one day and tell you “I don’t like children…”
The reason why she must take care of the house with you when you get married to her is that she is also living in the house and the house needs to be taken care of. The reason why she must have to take part in cooking is that she eats too! It would have been great if she said: “I don’t like eating.”
If she isn’t showing any sense of commitment in this relationship, it means it’s worth nothing to her. She’s a career woman and that’s very amazing! We love career women but, you’re also a career man. Which rule says career people don’t cook or do house chores?
No one is saying that cooking belongs to a woman. God knows I’ll always compete my wife in the kitchen unless she’s comfortable doing it all by herself and she wants to but aside that, I’ll always wake up in the morning when it’s my turn to cook and serve her on the bed. But, if she isn’t ready to do the same, crosses her legs and tell me she’s a career woman… Then it’s a no-no, we aren’t and can’t get married!
It’s still early to redefine what you want. Marriage is a lifetime thing, going through a divorce and living with it isn’t an option you’d like to choose in case things go south after marriage. It’s better to sort it out now than trying coping for a lifetime.
I hope this helps.
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Sex is beautiful; it is a holy experience between married couples,
a divinely designed way to build intimacy, no intimacy is more profound than
that built on the fabrics of sex. Well, false religion has a way of downplaying
very important things in life. Some Christians have been made to think that the
only reason for sex is procreation and so they feel guilty whenever they have
and entertain the urge for sex. But, let us make it clear before we proceed
that sex is designed by God to be consummated only in marriage and not outside
it or without it.
I once met a man who said any woman demanding sex from her husband
for the sake of pleasure is full of lust and therefore a sinner, he argued that
women don’t have right to desire sex. This is why in some African cultures,
girls are mutilated in their genitals so that they can’t desire sex. It is
regarded as wayward when a woman opens up that she wants to have sex. A young
lady once told me she always felt guilty when she has sex with her spouse
because of the way she was brought up to think about sex.
Well, God designed sex, I believe God was smiling, happy and
fulfilled when He drafted the concept of sex. It is a gift we must appreciate
and God wired us this way. He created us male and female; He designed our
emotions and body chemistry, He also made us find the opposite sex sexually
attractive. The purpose of sex wasn’t just for procreation, it was also for
intimate pleasure which helps to build the bond of marriage. If sex isn’t pleasurable,
then nobody would even want to get married, procreate and be together. Sex is
what makes marriage even more attractive to couples. God did not design sex to
be placed on hold except for when a need for children comes.
Sex in itself is not immoral, talking about it or even thinking
about it is not immoral. Sex assumes the character of who acts it or thinks it.
We indeed live in a sexually capricious world and the religious ones believe
the world is perverse because people find pleasure in sex. They, therefore,
decide to suppress the urge by all means so that they can appear holier. What
actually makes sex immoral? It is when sex is abused that immorality of sex is
birthed! God wired us with the entire libido we have, some abused it and became
addicted; they use sex outside the frameworks of what God has designed it to
be. However, it doesn’t change what sex is, it doesn’t make sex evil just as
false prophets don’t make Christianity false.
Sex is not wrong, seeking it for pleasure and even exploring ways
to enjoy it is not wrong. If you could see God’s face when having sex with your
spouse, He is smiling or even laughing! God is not angry with you wanting to
improve your sex life, He isn’t angry with you wanting to have more sex but not
more children. This is where the issue of contraceptive comes in; people
usually ask “what is God’s mind on contraceptives?” I believe that if God wired
us to desire sex, it means sex serves several purposes. You may not want more
children but you can’t want more sex, in this regard, you may want to use
contraceptives so that you don’t bring children you can’t care for into the
When the Bible said in Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honoured by all, and the
marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually
immoral” it meant a lot. How is marriage
honoured? It is honoured by couples being faithful to each other and giving
their bodies for themselves. To keep the bed pure doesn’t mean to avoid sex
when it is not for the purpose of procreation; it means to be sexually faithful
to each other and to consummate sex to every length and breadth you want as
couples. Sexual immorality simply means “the abuse of sex” which
isn’t possible when practised in the confines of marriage.
To think that sex for pleasure in
marriage is a sin is the height of dangerous ignorance, no wonder some
religious couples who share in that school of thought do have sour marriages.
They stay together but they are emotionally divorced. No matter the vision you share
together with your spouse, no matter the friendship that exists between the two
of you, nothing builds intimacy more than sex. This is why it is important for
couples to intentionally develop their sex life for the benefit of their
marriage. It is not wrong to seek ways of finding more pleasure in sex, it is
not wrong to tell your spouse how to handle you sexually, it is not wrong to
tell your spouse where to touch you! It is not even a misplaced priority!
Couples who can comfortably discuss sex and how they would want to be handled
sexually can communicate virtually everything together!
Having sex together as married couples
for fun is as healthy and righteous as reading the bible and praying together.
The thing is this; anything can be distractive including food! Sex doesn’t stop
you from burning for God; it doesn’t reduce the workings of the Holy Spirit in
you and it doesn’t make you less spiritual. Some people think that avoiding sex
with their spouse will make them more consecrated than they are; they feel they
would do more exploits if they avoid sex for a long time. Let’s see Paul’s
instructions to couples in 1 Corinthians 7:5
“Do not deprive each other of sexual
relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited
time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterwards, you
should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of
your lack of self-control.”
You see, God desires that couples enjoy
sex together and he desires that even when couples decide to abstain from sex
for some time to focus on spiritual exercises, it shouldn’t take so much time! Some
might say Paul was writing to those who don’t have self-control but I want to
think it differently. Lack of control Paul might have referred to here is our
inability to control some chemistry that occurs in our body which makes us feel
sexually activated. That aside, whatever sex Paul was talking about here wasn’t
sex for children but sex for pleasure.
In some cultures, men see their wives as
wayward when they make demands for sex or when they suggest where they would
like to be touched and how they would want to be handled during sex. Some men
feel women are just sex machines while they are the ones wired to enjoy sex but
that is not true. A woman can even have a higher libido than her husband and
she isn’t wayward for wanting sex more often. Some have also described foreplay
as ungodly because it is about pleasure; they just jump into their wives,
relieve themselves of their own urge and leave the woman to her fate! But that
is wrong and God doesn’t approve of it. What the Bible says is “don’t deprive
each other of sex!” This means that whether it is the man or the woman that
wanted sex, it shouldn’t be deprived.
Although in the time of the law, there
were restrictions as to when a man shouldn’t go into the wife. There were times
soldiers wouldn’t touch their wives but it has nothing to do with their
spiritual lives or God not being happy with their sexual lives. There is a simple
way to understand this. During wars, fighters are to focus on fighting because
any mistake could lead to their defeat! With regards to that, they may not be
allowed to go into their wives until the war is over. They are meant to stay
strong and focused at all times. Just about anything can be distractive, food
can be a distraction, a business can be a distraction and sex can be a
distraction. So, because sex can be distractive doesn’t make it evil as a
business could also be distractive.
The Songs of Solomon in the Bible clearly
shows us that sex is designed by God to build intimacy between couples. There
is no place in the Bible that is more detailed than Songs of Solomon as regards
to sex for pleasure. The idea of non-adventurous sex styles is clearly debunked
in that piece of writing! Songs of Solomon, in fact, is too sensual for the
liking of many religious folks who question in their heart how such a book
found its place in the Bible. Let’s read some pieces of stuff there and hey! It
is a sensual read, yeah, a holy sensual read!
“How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist.
“Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine; your belly is like a heap of wheat Fenced about with lilies.
“Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle.
– Songs of Solomon 7:1-3
You might be wondering, is this some erotic book
or something? It is a part of the Bible where God reveals to us that eros part
of love is designed for a reason! In fact, what we see in the Songs of Solomon
is a toned down of an intensely sensual desire! The writer wasn’t being conservative
with words to his spouse and in Israel in those days; younger people weren’t
allowed to read the Songs of Solomon until a certain age. The songs of Solomon
wasn’t about sexual affair aimed at procreating, it was about the sexual affair
for pleasure. The sensual writing was toned down using images of trees and
other things of nature, it would have been rated 18+ if not for the brilliance
of the writer.
When we thought we had read it all, Solomon
continues with his intelligent description of the body of his bride. He
continues from verse 4 to 8
“Your neck is like a tower of ivory, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon By the gate of Bath-rabbim; your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, Which faces toward Damascus.
“Your head crowns you like Carmel, and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads; The king is captivated by your tresses.
“How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!
“Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.
“I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,”
One might say well
“he is just praising her body” but in verse 8, we clearly see that
Solomon desired to make love to his bride for pleasure. It is not about jumping
into her and going all off! He wanted to take his time on her body and play
around her breast.
While admiring his bride,
he is sexually charged for pleasure and not necessarily for babies! God in His
wisdom, allowed the Songs of Solomon to be delivered to us so that we can
understand his will about sex.
If we read further into verse 9, we see
the bride respond to him and making her own intentions known too. This is a
beautiful display of God’s intention for sex; this is why such intimacy is
unhealthy to be developed outside the confines of marriage. In verse 12, we see
something exciting and unusual. The bride said to him
“Let us rise early and go to the vineyards; Let us see whether the vine has budded and its blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates have bloomed. There I will give you my love.”
are highly aphrodisiac with a very rich history. It was regaled as a culinary symbol of Aphrodite
by the ancient Greeks. An aphrodisiac substance enhances sex and makes the
experience worth it! The essence of aphrodisiac isn’t to make babies but to
enjoy sex and reach a climax!
married women complain they’ve never experienced what is called
“orgasms”, does God want them to find ways to reach it? Is it unholy
for women to want to reach an orgasm? That is why some people take
aphrodisiacs! Well, it didn’t start today and God created those substances just
for our pleasure. Read the above verse again, the Bride said to Solomon “let’s go to the vineyards… Let’s check on
the pomegranates and see if it has bloomed. And right there, we will make
love!” She wanted the sexual experience to worth it, and she wanted them to
have an aphrodisiac before making love!
sure that God’s will on sex is clear now. While sex is a tool for procreation,
sex is also a tool for pleasure and intimacy among married couples. This would
also help us understand why God doesn’t want us to have this experience with
someone else other than our spouse. Multiple sexual encounters would lead to
unhealthy comparisons and intimacy with someone else which destroys the fabrics
of marriage and leaves families shattered!
life in marriage also has a way of making the couples very united to run the
family, raise godly children and stick together! When children grow up noticing
the beautiful bond that holds their parents together, they would grow hold
family in high esteem. Family-oriented people are world changers because change
starts from the family and when the board of directors are very intimate, there
is the willingness to work together and there is the will power to stick
together despite any fight.
Good sex in marriage is not the availability of the woman to satisfy the man whenever he wants it and even in any unhealthy way he wants it. It is not the enduring power of the woman to pretend that everything is alright when the husband jumps into her, satisfies himself and jumps out without paying attention to the body of his wife. Good sex in marriage is built together by the couples, they both pay attention to their bodies, they both find their own bodies very sacred for themselves only and they find their bodies so appealing that they would want to explore everywhere to find what gives each other pleasure the most. Good sex in marriage begins when the goal of each spouse is not just to get satisfied but to satisfy the other person. This is what I mean by SEXIFIED MARRIAGE.
In every organization, there must be a leader. What makes it an organization is not the organisms, by this, I mean that it is not just about people being involved. Until there is a leadership structure, it can’t be an organisation. This is how the family is and God never designed the family to function well without a good leadership system.
When we talk about leadership, we aren’t just talking about what we know as the head, it also talks about everyone who has a role to play. A good leader identifies his or her role, gets better at it and command influence from his or her office. It is not necessarily about being the sole director of affairs.
So, when people ask “who is a leader in the home?” Both the husband, the wife, the children and even servants are all leaders. Some are leaders in training and some are already ordained leaders. But then, there are hierarchies, not necessarily because they are more important or superior but because there can’t be an organization where every leader is on the same role. Understanding how God designed marriage and family will also help in understanding how important it is to stick within the frameworks of our roles and function effectively.
God designed man to lead the marriage but God designed both the man and the woman to lead the family. The man and the woman are the board of directors of their own family but on the board table, the man presides except where he has left the duty for the woman either because of death, separation or even sickness. This way, we can understand that children don’t submit to their fathers alone, they submit to their mothers too!
This is why the Bible says “honour your father and your mother…” The father and the mother are leaders of the family in equal capacity. They may deliberate on things in private, disagree, debate and finally come to a mutual understanding. But when they come outside, they implement it together as one voice. The Bible records that the husband and the wife have become one flesh by the virtue of marriage.
Whenever my mum makes a quick decision in the absence of my dad even without his pre-approval of which she knows he will always approve of if he was present at the moment, she would always present it to us by saying “I have discussed with your father and we have agreed to do this…” She was making us understand that she isn’t just speaking on her own but the behalf of the leadership board! If he still eventually disagree with her, they debate it in private, make resolutions and reach a common ground! Then mum comes openly to say “well, your father and I have changed our mind.”
The Bible says that except two agree, they cannot walk together. But we must understand that there is no agreement without one submitting to another or one dropping some differences aside. Being in an agreement doesn’t mean being without differing opinions, it means that in a particular cause, goal or vision, there is an agreement to work it out together. For an agreement to happen, one must submit to another person’s ideas or they may both find a common ground to agree and do away with some harmless differences.
For example, the man may want to buy a fifty thousand dollar worth of car but the woman would prefer that the money be used for something else. They may argue this for a while and the woman may realize how important a car may be to the family but her idea on how the money should be used may also be perfect. They can both reach an agreement in which the man may purchase a twenty thousand dollar car while the rest of the money is used for the other stuff or at least get it half done if it was going to take all the money. Now you see, they reached an agreement but dropping the differences and finding common ground.
Talking about the man’s leadership as the head, it is often misunderstood and abused. First of all, man is endowed with the ability, physique and emotion to lead. Man is also designed to interpret submission as love. The leadership of man is not a bossy relationship but servant leadership, the kind we saw in Jesus. The leadership of the man in marriage isn’t such that dominate the entire affairs of the woman and subject her to unfair treatments. The woman is not a subject, she is actually like a co-pilot!
A man who doesn’t understand the office and role of a wife cannot lead her well or even give her the chance to function effectively as a wife. The husband is not General Commander in Chief of the family. In the army, you are asked to obey the last order but marriage isn’t like that. The leadership of the man is implemented in the frameworks of friendship and love. Men are meant to protect their wives and not subdue them! That is what their strength is for
What some interpret as leadership is coming home late in the night, shutting the woman up when questions are asked and living without accountability. It is wrong! It is easy to identify men who would abuse leadership privilege even before marriage. Any man who places a demand on submission will abuse their office a husband at every slightest opportunity.
When the man leads his home the way Jesus modelled leadership and the woman submits to this leadership with all sincerity, they will both have the greatest influence towards each other and see the goal of that marriage fulfilled tremendously.
The office of the wife only makes sense in submission. Being submissive to the man’s leadership in the home is how he interprets love and being very attentive, considerate and caring to the woman in marriage is how she interprets love.
For the sake of clarity, a woman whose opinion counts to you will always cherish you. Leaders aren’t people whose opinions are final. By being attentive, they also make good use of a differing opinion when it will yield more result than that which they hold. On the other hand, even when the differing opinion makes no sense, they appreciate those opinions, making the other person understand why it has to be the other way round.
Marriage is a union and therefore cannot be productive when the couples are independent of each other. Until a woman also understands what submission is, she may not do so well in marriage or as a wife. The wife is also a leader and she is wired to be positively emotional, creative and multi-tasking. These attributes are very important and with it, they can make an untold impact on the family.
A man needs those emotional, creative and multi-tasking quality of a woman to lead the home well. Most men who neglect their wives don’t do well, they feel taking care of the children is all about spending money on them but that is just one out of many! When the man understands the role the woman is playing in his life, he will pay attention to her, stay accountable to her and carry her along with all that he is doing.
The woman submits unknowingly not just if she loves you but when you love her. The beautiful thing about loving her and showing it intentionally is that it triggers a sense of security in her making her fall blindly into your arms without fear, knowing that you’ll protect her. Perhaps, you should see submission as a woman willingly falling into your arms.
The question is, does she trust your arms? Have those arms disappointed them before? Earn that trust and you will never have to say “don’t you know I am the man of the house?”
Women are great but greatest when loved. Genuine love brings us the best of a woman. Now, a good leader knows how to bring out the best of others. When she isn’t submitting to you, while checking other factors, you may also want to look back and see where you aren’t getting it… Bring out the best of her and the key to this is genuine love!
Do you see that? Leaders should be accountable and when a man is accountable to his wife, she will trust him enough to submit to him. Let me give you another perspective on what submission is. It is not slavery, it is not acting in the capacity of a housemaid. It is a voluntary act of giving in to the leadership of another. As I started, in every successful organisation, there must be leaders and upcoming leaders but there must also be a hierarchy in the leadership system that must be respected.
Being the head doesn’t mean disrespecting another, seeing yourself as superior and seeing others as your subjects. When both men and women understand this, they will find joy staying in their place of assignment as couples and parents, knowing that they aren’t inferior but very important! While the leadership of the man makes him respect his woman and bring the best out of her, the leadership role of the woman makes her willingly follow the lead of her man, putting the best of her to the course of their relationship.
Let me put this thing in another word so that it makes more sense to you.
Love is the only true means a man can exercise leadership in marriage or relationships and submission is the only true means a woman can exercise leadership in marriage or relationship. It sounds so simple but when we look into this from a practical perspective, we’ll realize that with love, a man exhibits all the virtues of a servant leader and with submission a woman has enormous influence both in the marriage and in the family.
I hope you find this portion of the Holy Bible very useful.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbandsas you do to the Lord.For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,his body, of which he is the Savior.Husbands, love your wives,just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for herto make her holy,cleansingher by the washingwith water through the word,and to present her to himselfas a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.In this same way, husbands ought to love their wivesas their bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:22-23, 25-28
I am not one of those persons who would judge you for divorcing your spouse but I am not also one of those who would tell you “if you aren’t happy in that marriage anymore, walk away!” If you may have to walk away from an unhappy marriage, you may keep walking away from all marriages in the case that you don’t find happiness in any of them. What if all you needed to do was introduce happiness into that marriage?
What do you do to a crumbling business? Do you walk away from it in the first instance? Is shutting down the business the first solution that comes to your mind? No, what you do is that you begin to find ways to restore your business. It may involve training yourself in certain areas, investing more money, giving the business another approach and making some other important choices.
When you have personal issues, what do you do? Commit suicide? It is true that some do commit suicide but research has shown that if they had taken more time, they would have changed their minds about suicide because suicide has never been an option or at least a solution!
When we say that marriage is for better for worse, we aren’t saying that you should expect the worse in your marriage. However, in the case that storm rises in your marriage, you don’t jump off the boat, you engage all your skills in pulling the boat through the storm. Some marriages became sweeter after the storm but truthfully speaking, some couldn’t survive the storm.
It’s not a crime if your marriage is one of those that survived the storm, it’s not a crime if you try your best in keeping that marriage. At least, I have parents who didn’t have it smooth with themselves in the beginning. I grew up to experience a little of that storm but today, you would never believe there was a challenge they pulled through from! You would never believe that there were was a time walking away from the marriage was being considered.
What changed? They decided to look at that challenge from another perspective, they decided to give it another approach and perhaps they applied another strategy different from what they had been doing before. If you truly love something, you fight for it! You may not even strongly appreciate what you didn’t fight for. When you have to fight for your freedom, you’ll appreciate that freedom when it finally comes! We appreciate what we fought for more than what we just picked on the roadside.
I am not saying that walking away from marriage makes you a bad person, I am not saying it means you didn’t fight to save your marriage. I am only saying that it shouldn’t be the first thing you consider, I am saying that sometimes we don’t win simply because we refuse to fight. Victory isn’t picked from the ground, victory is achieved!
If you give that dying marriage another approach, opting out may never be an option. It’s not to say that you should die in that problem, it’s not even about protecting an image or maintaining a religious moral code… It’s about facing your battle, fighting and winning!
When there is war, the first thing you think about is winning the fight and not running away from your land! First of all… Fight! Victory is only in the dictionary of those who fight and not those who run from challenges. Even if at the end things didn’t turn out the way you had wanted, you can look yourself in the mirror, tap your chest and say “at least I fought for it… I am brave!”