I was in a meeting when a woman was asked “your husband seldom stays at home due to the nature of his job. How do you cope?” And she replied, “well, it makes no difference to me as long as he drops good money on the table”. Well, she just disclosed why she got married, it wasn’t for love but for money and as long as she is concerned, her marriage is working because he drops money on the table. How about if he stops dropping money on the table? How about when circumstances change, will she still stick to him?
Sometimes we wrongly think that being crazy about someone equals love, we think that because someone misses us means we are loved but all those aren’t enough and does not necessarily indicate love. There are people who might miss you so much but these people are very unwilling to make serious sacrifices for you, they adore you and they are loyal to you but they will never make any sacrificial effort towards you because you aren’t the reason why they are with you, they are with your for themselves! They only serve your interest at their own convenience but they only want to be with you just because of themselves.
I figured out what the problem is.
If you claim to love someone without the zeal to make sacrifices and go out of your way for them, it may be something about them that you like and not necessarily that you love them. If what you like about them is taken away, you surely may not want them again. It is true that we always ask people “why do you love me?” But if there is “why” to that love, then, it is not love! We can be attracted to people for a reason, we can be endeared to people for a reason but a love that has reasons attached will bail out when those reasons fade away!
It’s possible to want to have someone without even loving them, there are various reasons you may want to have someone; it may be about security, it may be the care and attention you get from them, it may be their intelligence and creativity. You want it for yourself, it’s all about you and has nothing to do with them. If the security wasn’t there, you won’t want to be with them! If the care isn’t there, you wouldn’t want to be with them.
You can be crazy about someone but the craze is about what they have and how it will go a long way to meet your needs, it has nothing to do with them, you miss them simply because of what they put on the table. It is true that some things can attract us to people but it isn’t fair to make decisions based on mere attraction. If they lose that stuff, will they remain?
For me, love is a decision, a decision to stand with someone despite the odds and the surprises that will surface. It’s okay if you want to be with people because they have what you want but it is wrong when you label it love, it reduces the meaning of love to mere selfishness! Love goes out of the way of self and puts another person first. Love doesn’t think of “what will I gain from him?” It thinks of “what will he gain from me? How do I make him better?” Love is more of others than it is more of ourselves.
Maybe, we need to review our relationships again to know if it’s love or just about ourselves.
Never live your life on chance, don’t put yourself at the mercies of fate. Be intentional with your life and don’t let the flow carry you away. Doctors don’t learn their profession when emergencies happen, they learn it before emergencies! They take their time, spend several years in school and prepare for emergency cases if they really desire to be a solution in that field!
Have you seen a pilot who started driving the aeroplane by accident? Life shouldn’t be about trial and error all the time! To fly a plane, you must learn how to drive it. Otherwise, you may not just crash and kill yourself, you may kill others too! Like I will always write, opportunities can happen by accident but success is prepared for.
Show me a man who learnt how to ride a taxi in the face of an opportunity to be a taxi driver! They learnt it earlier and then were able to take up the opportunity to drive a taxi when it called! Whatever you face tomorrow should be what you’ve conquered yesterday. Why wait till you feel sick before you learn how to take care of yourself? Why wait till you’re married before you learn how to be a partner? Why wait till you have a child before you learn how to parent?
Some knowledge doesn’t have to wait till the need arises, you’ve got to gain them before the need arises. There are prayers we are praying today that we should have prayed earlier, avoiding damage is better than controlling the damage. You don’t learn your numbers when the need to count money arises, you learn your numbers and when money starts flowing you can count and do basic calculations.
You have no business with what you haven’t learned, you have no business with a task you never prepared for, you have no business with a marriage you never trained yourself for, you have no business with a profession you aren’t skilled on. Well, if you must venture into it, you’re taking a careless risk! When you buy a car before learning how to drive, you may not only crash the car, you may die with it!
That prayer point, sacrifices, and knowledge shouldn’t wait till you’re married. Pray that prayer now, make those confessions now, make the sacrifices now, gain the knowledge now! Today isn’t too early to learn what will drive you through a phase of life in the future.
The best way to solve a problem isn’t when or after they happen but before they happen. Wise people project problems and start solving them! Projecting problems don’t mean being negative or hopeless, it means you understand life and you are ready to face it squarely. We will be living in falsehood if we think that there won’t be any problem or challenges in this life.
In marriage, for example, there are issues that will arise, there are misunderstandings that will happen! Wise people don’t let these things happen before figuring out a way out, they get ready for what is to come and when it comes, it won’t overwhelm them.
Some challenges will never overwhelm you when you were prepared for it!
“No” is very powerful, whether I’d regard it a word or also a tool isn’t clear but being very powerful is what I am sure of. Okay, let’s be even, “no” is as powerful as “yes”. The level with which “yes” can agree is the level with which “no” can disagree. Imagine employing the same force you should have used in avoiding a problem to cause yourself problems! It will be fatal!
Unfortunately, many of us are too used to agreeing than disagreeing because we don’t want anyone to get hurt, we don’t want anyone to feel bad and we want to be accepted by people including those that we don’t even need their acceptance for anything. Therefore, we can establish on this ground that “no” is only for the strong people, people who can stand rejections and mockery, people who can stand not being celebrated or pleased with.
What do you do when you see yourself in situations you aren’t pleased with but you are scared of showing your disapproval because you don’t want to be the one odd out? What do you do when someone is leading you in the wrong path but you just can’t say no because you don’t want to hurt their feelings? What about your mother pressuring you to marry someone you don’t even feel any connection with but you don’t want to be a bad girl by saying no? What about those times you were being forced into a career path that isn’t your choice but because you felt the burden of saying “no”, you gave in? I could go on and on…
In the end, we get to please people but we stay hurt! Of what use is spending all you have on the poor and dying of hunger? You need to stay alive and healthy, to work harder and take care of more people. That is how it is when you try pleasing people against yourself. It may hurt your best friend but if saying no is the best option, stick to it.
Do you think that by taking a different stand, those who used to love you will start hating you? If they do, they never loved you in the first place. Saying “no” will save you a lot of stress, it will save you from self-inflicted depression and you’ll be free from hurting yourself. Those who can’t respect your “no” don’t deserve you!
Remember, people can only tell you what they want you to do but you get to decide what to do. Sometimes it’s only you who truly know what is right for you, sometimes people aren’t in your heart to really understand why you have to say “no” but you still owe no one an explanation! Say no if you have to say so and be bold about it.
Some people are dead today because they said yes, some ended up in dirty marriages because they said yes against their own heart. If certain things are shady about anything, you don’t have to assume it will be alright, you don’t have to let emotions play you out. If you don’t understand that business deal, say no! It doesn’t matter who it is coming from, whether it is coming from your spouse, friends or relatives… If you aren’t comfortable with agreeing, disagree peacefully.
You must not go on that date that your heart isn’t peaceful about, you must not give out your phone number when your heart insists you shouldn’t, you must not visit him or her if it is not okay by you! It is not a terrible thing to say no, it is very important to listen to your heart sometimes.
Say no to that proposal even if your parents approve of it but your heart doesn’t. Say no to that business even when multitudes are running into it but your heart isn’t settled about it. Say no even after you have said yes but realized you were quick to give an answer. Don’t let anyone rush you into anything… They may say you promised and failed them but it is better than promising yourself your own destruction.
You know your purpose more than anyone does. If anyone should get the blueprints of your life, it is you that can do that! If anyone should inquire of God about your purpose, it is you that will do that! You know your strength and your weaknesses better than anyone else. So, when it is not in line with your purpose… SAY NO!
“I am dating a girl and we are planning to get married next year. She told me that she doesn’t like cooking or doing the house chores with the excuse that she is a career woman. We’ve not always been together but I noticed it when she visited over the weekend. She didn’t sweep nor cleaned the house, she didn’t bother herself with the kitchen too. It was nothing for me though as it was my routine. I love her but am confused, I am wondering if I can cope. What do I do?” – Name Undisclosed (Originally asked on Gwen Divy’s Wall)
Love is a beautiful thing, we all need to love and be loved. But there is something called commitment. If love is true, commitment to that love is inevitable. Commitment to love is what truly proves it. People don’t always have to do what they like all the time, I get to do my laundries every weekend but I hate laundry! I get to go to work every day even when I don’t feel like, I type on my blog sometimes when I feel inspired but don’t like to write. The sense of responsibility should be able to make people do certain things that they are supposed to do even if they don’t want to do it.
True, you aren’t getting married because you need a cook and you aren’t getting married because you need someone who can wash your clothes. Marriage is about companionship.
I say again, commitment to love is what proves love and not the affirmation of it. Nobody truly likes cooking, but everybody likes eating. If she can’t cook, that’s not the problem. If she is not willing to learn, that’s the problem. If she can cook but doesn’t like to cook, that still isn’t the problem but if she only does what she likes, then there is a big problem. She can also wake up one day and tell you “I don’t like children…”
The reason why she must take care of the house with you when you get married to her is that she is also living in the house and the house needs to be taken care of. The reason why she must have to take part in cooking is that she eats too! It would have been great if she said: “I don’t like eating.”
If she isn’t showing any sense of commitment in this relationship, it means it’s worth nothing to her. She’s a career woman and that’s very amazing! We love career women but, you’re also a career man. Which rule says career people don’t cook or do house chores?
No one is saying that cooking belongs to a woman. God knows I’ll always compete my wife in the kitchen unless she’s comfortable doing it all by herself and she wants to but aside that, I’ll always wake up in the morning when it’s my turn to cook and serve her on the bed. But, if she isn’t ready to do the same, crosses her legs and tell me she’s a career woman… Then it’s a no-no, we aren’t and can’t get married!
It’s still early to redefine what you want. Marriage is a lifetime thing, going through a divorce and living with it isn’t an option you’d like to choose in case things go south after marriage. It’s better to sort it out now than trying coping for a lifetime.
I hope this helps.
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Sex is beautiful; it is a holy experience between married couples,
a divinely designed way to build intimacy, no intimacy is more profound than
that built on the fabrics of sex. Well, false religion has a way of downplaying
very important things in life. Some Christians have been made to think that the
only reason for sex is procreation and so they feel guilty whenever they have
and entertain the urge for sex. But, let us make it clear before we proceed
that sex is designed by God to be consummated only in marriage and not outside
it or without it.
I once met a man who said any woman demanding sex from her husband
for the sake of pleasure is full of lust and therefore a sinner, he argued that
women don’t have right to desire sex. This is why in some African cultures,
girls are mutilated in their genitals so that they can’t desire sex. It is
regarded as wayward when a woman opens up that she wants to have sex. A young
lady once told me she always felt guilty when she has sex with her spouse
because of the way she was brought up to think about sex.
Well, God designed sex, I believe God was smiling, happy and
fulfilled when He drafted the concept of sex. It is a gift we must appreciate
and God wired us this way. He created us male and female; He designed our
emotions and body chemistry, He also made us find the opposite sex sexually
attractive. The purpose of sex wasn’t just for procreation, it was also for
intimate pleasure which helps to build the bond of marriage. If sex isn’t pleasurable,
then nobody would even want to get married, procreate and be together. Sex is
what makes marriage even more attractive to couples. God did not design sex to
be placed on hold except for when a need for children comes.
Sex in itself is not immoral, talking about it or even thinking
about it is not immoral. Sex assumes the character of who acts it or thinks it.
We indeed live in a sexually capricious world and the religious ones believe
the world is perverse because people find pleasure in sex. They, therefore,
decide to suppress the urge by all means so that they can appear holier. What
actually makes sex immoral? It is when sex is abused that immorality of sex is
birthed! God wired us with the entire libido we have, some abused it and became
addicted; they use sex outside the frameworks of what God has designed it to
be. However, it doesn’t change what sex is, it doesn’t make sex evil just as
false prophets don’t make Christianity false.
Sex is not wrong, seeking it for pleasure and even exploring ways
to enjoy it is not wrong. If you could see God’s face when having sex with your
spouse, He is smiling or even laughing! God is not angry with you wanting to
improve your sex life, He isn’t angry with you wanting to have more sex but not
more children. This is where the issue of contraceptive comes in; people
usually ask “what is God’s mind on contraceptives?” I believe that if God wired
us to desire sex, it means sex serves several purposes. You may not want more
children but you can’t want more sex, in this regard, you may want to use
contraceptives so that you don’t bring children you can’t care for into the
When the Bible said in Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honoured by all, and the
marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually
immoral” it meant a lot. How is marriage
honoured? It is honoured by couples being faithful to each other and giving
their bodies for themselves. To keep the bed pure doesn’t mean to avoid sex
when it is not for the purpose of procreation; it means to be sexually faithful
to each other and to consummate sex to every length and breadth you want as
couples. Sexual immorality simply means “the abuse of sex” which
isn’t possible when practised in the confines of marriage.
To think that sex for pleasure in
marriage is a sin is the height of dangerous ignorance, no wonder some
religious couples who share in that school of thought do have sour marriages.
They stay together but they are emotionally divorced. No matter the vision you share
together with your spouse, no matter the friendship that exists between the two
of you, nothing builds intimacy more than sex. This is why it is important for
couples to intentionally develop their sex life for the benefit of their
marriage. It is not wrong to seek ways of finding more pleasure in sex, it is
not wrong to tell your spouse how to handle you sexually, it is not wrong to
tell your spouse where to touch you! It is not even a misplaced priority!
Couples who can comfortably discuss sex and how they would want to be handled
sexually can communicate virtually everything together!
Having sex together as married couples
for fun is as healthy and righteous as reading the bible and praying together.
The thing is this; anything can be distractive including food! Sex doesn’t stop
you from burning for God; it doesn’t reduce the workings of the Holy Spirit in
you and it doesn’t make you less spiritual. Some people think that avoiding sex
with their spouse will make them more consecrated than they are; they feel they
would do more exploits if they avoid sex for a long time. Let’s see Paul’s
instructions to couples in 1 Corinthians 7:5
“Do not deprive each other of sexual
relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited
time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterwards, you
should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of
your lack of self-control.”
You see, God desires that couples enjoy
sex together and he desires that even when couples decide to abstain from sex
for some time to focus on spiritual exercises, it shouldn’t take so much time! Some
might say Paul was writing to those who don’t have self-control but I want to
think it differently. Lack of control Paul might have referred to here is our
inability to control some chemistry that occurs in our body which makes us feel
sexually activated. That aside, whatever sex Paul was talking about here wasn’t
sex for children but sex for pleasure.
In some cultures, men see their wives as
wayward when they make demands for sex or when they suggest where they would
like to be touched and how they would want to be handled during sex. Some men
feel women are just sex machines while they are the ones wired to enjoy sex but
that is not true. A woman can even have a higher libido than her husband and
she isn’t wayward for wanting sex more often. Some have also described foreplay
as ungodly because it is about pleasure; they just jump into their wives,
relieve themselves of their own urge and leave the woman to her fate! But that
is wrong and God doesn’t approve of it. What the Bible says is “don’t deprive
each other of sex!” This means that whether it is the man or the woman that
wanted sex, it shouldn’t be deprived.
Although in the time of the law, there
were restrictions as to when a man shouldn’t go into the wife. There were times
soldiers wouldn’t touch their wives but it has nothing to do with their
spiritual lives or God not being happy with their sexual lives. There is a simple
way to understand this. During wars, fighters are to focus on fighting because
any mistake could lead to their defeat! With regards to that, they may not be
allowed to go into their wives until the war is over. They are meant to stay
strong and focused at all times. Just about anything can be distractive, food
can be a distraction, a business can be a distraction and sex can be a
distraction. So, because sex can be distractive doesn’t make it evil as a
business could also be distractive.
The Songs of Solomon in the Bible clearly
shows us that sex is designed by God to build intimacy between couples. There
is no place in the Bible that is more detailed than Songs of Solomon as regards
to sex for pleasure. The idea of non-adventurous sex styles is clearly debunked
in that piece of writing! Songs of Solomon, in fact, is too sensual for the
liking of many religious folks who question in their heart how such a book
found its place in the Bible. Let’s read some pieces of stuff there and hey! It
is a sensual read, yeah, a holy sensual read!
“How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist.
“Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine; your belly is like a heap of wheat Fenced about with lilies.
“Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle.
– Songs of Solomon 7:1-3
You might be wondering, is this some erotic book
or something? It is a part of the Bible where God reveals to us that eros part
of love is designed for a reason! In fact, what we see in the Songs of Solomon
is a toned down of an intensely sensual desire! The writer wasn’t being conservative
with words to his spouse and in Israel in those days; younger people weren’t
allowed to read the Songs of Solomon until a certain age. The songs of Solomon
wasn’t about sexual affair aimed at procreating, it was about the sexual affair
for pleasure. The sensual writing was toned down using images of trees and
other things of nature, it would have been rated 18+ if not for the brilliance
of the writer.
When we thought we had read it all, Solomon
continues with his intelligent description of the body of his bride. He
continues from verse 4 to 8
“Your neck is like a tower of ivory, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon By the gate of Bath-rabbim; your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, Which faces toward Damascus.
“Your head crowns you like Carmel, and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads; The king is captivated by your tresses.
“How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!
“Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.
“I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,”
One might say well
“he is just praising her body” but in verse 8, we clearly see that
Solomon desired to make love to his bride for pleasure. It is not about jumping
into her and going all off! He wanted to take his time on her body and play
around her breast.
While admiring his bride,
he is sexually charged for pleasure and not necessarily for babies! God in His
wisdom, allowed the Songs of Solomon to be delivered to us so that we can
understand his will about sex.
If we read further into verse 9, we see
the bride respond to him and making her own intentions known too. This is a
beautiful display of God’s intention for sex; this is why such intimacy is
unhealthy to be developed outside the confines of marriage. In verse 12, we see
something exciting and unusual. The bride said to him
“Let us rise early and go to the vineyards; Let us see whether the vine has budded and its blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates have bloomed. There I will give you my love.”
are highly aphrodisiac with a very rich history. It was regaled as a culinary symbol of Aphrodite
by the ancient Greeks. An aphrodisiac substance enhances sex and makes the
experience worth it! The essence of aphrodisiac isn’t to make babies but to
enjoy sex and reach a climax!
married women complain they’ve never experienced what is called
“orgasms”, does God want them to find ways to reach it? Is it unholy
for women to want to reach an orgasm? That is why some people take
aphrodisiacs! Well, it didn’t start today and God created those substances just
for our pleasure. Read the above verse again, the Bride said to Solomon “let’s go to the vineyards… Let’s check on
the pomegranates and see if it has bloomed. And right there, we will make
love!” She wanted the sexual experience to worth it, and she wanted them to
have an aphrodisiac before making love!
sure that God’s will on sex is clear now. While sex is a tool for procreation,
sex is also a tool for pleasure and intimacy among married couples. This would
also help us understand why God doesn’t want us to have this experience with
someone else other than our spouse. Multiple sexual encounters would lead to
unhealthy comparisons and intimacy with someone else which destroys the fabrics
of marriage and leaves families shattered!
life in marriage also has a way of making the couples very united to run the
family, raise godly children and stick together! When children grow up noticing
the beautiful bond that holds their parents together, they would grow hold
family in high esteem. Family-oriented people are world changers because change
starts from the family and when the board of directors are very intimate, there
is the willingness to work together and there is the will power to stick
together despite any fight.
Good sex in marriage is not the availability of the woman to satisfy the man whenever he wants it and even in any unhealthy way he wants it. It is not the enduring power of the woman to pretend that everything is alright when the husband jumps into her, satisfies himself and jumps out without paying attention to the body of his wife. Good sex in marriage is built together by the couples, they both pay attention to their bodies, they both find their own bodies very sacred for themselves only and they find their bodies so appealing that they would want to explore everywhere to find what gives each other pleasure the most. Good sex in marriage begins when the goal of each spouse is not just to get satisfied but to satisfy the other person. This is what I mean by SEXIFIED MARRIAGE.