Sometimes, life doesn’t function with a definite principle and that is why we must not always expect to get the exact results another person got even if we do things the exact way they did it. Life is not like some mathematics that uses one or two formulas, there are several formulas to life and each is unique to individuals. Sometimes, we only make these discoveries as life progresses.
What worked for Mrs A may never really work for Mrs B. For one person, early marriage may be a launchpad to destiny and for another person, it would be a limitation to a purpose. Some people couldn’t further their education or even follow a career path after getting married while some were able to do so in marriage. While one person became very successful as a single person, another person’s success may be tied to his or her marriage.
In Mr A’s family, Mr A loves cooking and cooks most times for his family. In Mr B’s family, Mrs B wants to own the kitchen and she doesn’t complain about doing all the chores. In Mr C’s family, Mr and Mrs C have duty rosters and often do chores in turns. For all of the above, their marriages are working perfectly fine but what works for Mr A isn’t working for Mr B, their marriages are working because they have an understanding that makes it work for them.
When Mr B’s family decide to run on the model of Mr A’s family, their marriage may crash. Marriage involves two persons and there must be an understanding between the two for it to work. This understanding should be mutual.
For example, if you don’t love cooking or you believe the woman belongs to the kitchen, don’t marry a woman who doesn’t believe so only to end up forcing her to do all the chores alone. Look for a woman who believes that her place is in the kitchen, make her your wife and the both of you will enjoy that aspect of marriage because there was an understanding. If you are a woman who believes that the man and his wife are equal in a sense, don’t marry a man who believes the woman is an afterthought and man’s subordinate because both of you will always have issues over whose words count.
This is why it is wrong to model your marriage based on the testimonies and experiences of another person. For example, a woman was in an abusive marriage, she was being raped and battered by her husband but she remained in the marriage without even involving a third party. One day, her husband had an encounter that made him change his mind and he started treating her fine. This same woman may use her experience to encourage another woman into staying in a marriage that is abusive and this woman may be patient enough to allow her husband to beat her to death! Both had the same experience, one had victory and another died in it!
Another example is a woman who married a man because he had money and the marriage turned out fine, they both grew in love and her husband treated her with the utmost respect! Another may make the same choice and fall into the hands of a rich beast who always brag about how “I brought you out of the gutter.”
While there are guides that can be applied generally, we must ensure that before we journey into forever with someone, we share similar values! When we start thinking of marriage, we must pay attention to the values of our partners. If it is not compatible with ours, we need to take a walk. As a woman, it is not a problem to be opinionated but don’t give yourself to a man who finds a problem with that. It is not wrong to marry as a young man who hasn’t hit the jackpot yet but marry a woman who will understand that and is willing to walk the walk with you regardless of the weight of your pocket.
When you eventually marry someone who doesn’t share the same values with you, you will be forced to bow to their own values if they are stronger than you! Don’t also make certain decisions simply because you saw it working for someone else, it may never work for you, it may be destructive!
Personally, I believe that a woman is equal to her husband, I admit that couples are unique and different but as humans, they are equal and deserve equal respect, equal love and equal accountability with respect to one’s individual strength. I wouldn’t want to end up with a woman who will turn me into a god, a woman who won’t move until I say so and a woman who bows at everything I say without questioning the ones that deserve to be questioned. Well, not every woman wants my kind and not every man wants the kind of woman I want.
To know the kind of partner you need and what will work best for you, look inwards, study your own values and discover yourself. Only then can you find out the formula that works best for you. Read books on marriage but when they are using their own experiences to guide you, be careful not to replicate what they are offering you, it may crash your marriage! Your formula is unique, discover it!
I was in a meeting when a woman was asked “your husband seldom stays at home due to the nature of his job. How do you cope?” And she replied, “well, it makes no difference to me as long as he drops good money on the table”. Well, she just disclosed why she got married, it wasn’t for love but for money and as long as she is concerned, her marriage is working because he drops money on the table. How about if he stops dropping money on the table? How about when circumstances change, will she still stick to him?
Sometimes we wrongly think that being crazy about someone equals love, we think that because someone misses us means we are loved but all those aren’t enough and does not necessarily indicate love. There are people who might miss you so much but these people are very unwilling to make serious sacrifices for you, they adore you and they are loyal to you but they will never make any sacrificial effort towards you because you aren’t the reason why they are with you, they are with your for themselves! They only serve your interest at their own convenience but they only want to be with you just because of themselves.
I figured out what the problem is.
If you claim to love someone without the zeal to make sacrifices and go out of your way for them, it may be something about them that you like and not necessarily that you love them. If what you like about them is taken away, you surely may not want them again. It is true that we always ask people “why do you love me?” But if there is “why” to that love, then, it is not love! We can be attracted to people for a reason, we can be endeared to people for a reason but a love that has reasons attached will bail out when those reasons fade away!
It’s possible to want to have someone without even loving them, there are various reasons you may want to have someone; it may be about security, it may be the care and attention you get from them, it may be their intelligence and creativity. You want it for yourself, it’s all about you and has nothing to do with them. If the security wasn’t there, you won’t want to be with them! If the care isn’t there, you wouldn’t want to be with them.
You can be crazy about someone but the craze is about what they have and how it will go a long way to meet your needs, it has nothing to do with them, you miss them simply because of what they put on the table. It is true that some things can attract us to people but it isn’t fair to make decisions based on mere attraction. If they lose that stuff, will they remain?
For me, love is a decision, a decision to stand with someone despite the odds and the surprises that will surface. It’s okay if you want to be with people because they have what you want but it is wrong when you label it love, it reduces the meaning of love to mere selfishness! Love goes out of the way of self and puts another person first. Love doesn’t think of “what will I gain from him?” It thinks of “what will he gain from me? How do I make him better?” Love is more of others than it is more of ourselves.
Maybe, we need to review our relationships again to know if it’s love or just about ourselves.
“I am dating a girl and we are planning to get married next year. She told me that she doesn’t like cooking or doing the house chores with the excuse that she is a career woman. We’ve not always been together but I noticed it when she visited over the weekend. She didn’t sweep nor cleaned the house, she didn’t bother herself with the kitchen too. It was nothing for me though as it was my routine. I love her but am confused, I am wondering if I can cope. What do I do?” – Name Undisclosed (Originally asked on Gwen Divy’s Wall)
Love is a beautiful thing, we all need to love and be loved. But there is something called commitment. If love is true, commitment to that love is inevitable. Commitment to love is what truly proves it. People don’t always have to do what they like all the time, I get to do my laundries every weekend but I hate laundry! I get to go to work every day even when I don’t feel like, I type on my blog sometimes when I feel inspired but don’t like to write. The sense of responsibility should be able to make people do certain things that they are supposed to do even if they don’t want to do it.
True, you aren’t getting married because you need a cook and you aren’t getting married because you need someone who can wash your clothes. Marriage is about companionship.
I say again, commitment to love is what proves love and not the affirmation of it. Nobody truly likes cooking, but everybody likes eating. If she can’t cook, that’s not the problem. If she is not willing to learn, that’s the problem. If she can cook but doesn’t like to cook, that still isn’t the problem but if she only does what she likes, then there is a big problem. She can also wake up one day and tell you “I don’t like children…”
The reason why she must take care of the house with you when you get married to her is that she is also living in the house and the house needs to be taken care of. The reason why she must have to take part in cooking is that she eats too! It would have been great if she said: “I don’t like eating.”
If she isn’t showing any sense of commitment in this relationship, it means it’s worth nothing to her. She’s a career woman and that’s very amazing! We love career women but, you’re also a career man. Which rule says career people don’t cook or do house chores?
No one is saying that cooking belongs to a woman. God knows I’ll always compete my wife in the kitchen unless she’s comfortable doing it all by herself and she wants to but aside that, I’ll always wake up in the morning when it’s my turn to cook and serve her on the bed. But, if she isn’t ready to do the same, crosses her legs and tell me she’s a career woman… Then it’s a no-no, we aren’t and can’t get married!
It’s still early to redefine what you want. Marriage is a lifetime thing, going through a divorce and living with it isn’t an option you’d like to choose in case things go south after marriage. It’s better to sort it out now than trying coping for a lifetime.
I hope this helps.
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In every organization, there must be a leader. What makes it an organization is not the organisms, by this, I mean that it is not just about people being involved. Until there is a leadership structure, it can’t be an organisation. This is how the family is and God never designed the family to function well without a good leadership system.
When we talk about leadership, we aren’t just talking about what we know as the head, it also talks about everyone who has a role to play. A good leader identifies his or her role, gets better at it and command influence from his or her office. It is not necessarily about being the sole director of affairs.
So, when people ask “who is a leader in the home?” Both the husband, the wife, the children and even servants are all leaders. Some are leaders in training and some are already ordained leaders. But then, there are hierarchies, not necessarily because they are more important or superior but because there can’t be an organization where every leader is on the same role. Understanding how God designed marriage and family will also help in understanding how important it is to stick within the frameworks of our roles and function effectively.
God designed man to lead the marriage but God designed both the man and the woman to lead the family. The man and the woman are the board of directors of their own family but on the board table, the man presides except where he has left the duty for the woman either because of death, separation or even sickness. This way, we can understand that children don’t submit to their fathers alone, they submit to their mothers too!
This is why the Bible says “honour your father and your mother…” The father and the mother are leaders of the family in equal capacity. They may deliberate on things in private, disagree, debate and finally come to a mutual understanding. But when they come outside, they implement it together as one voice. The Bible records that the husband and the wife have become one flesh by the virtue of marriage.
Whenever my mum makes a quick decision in the absence of my dad even without his pre-approval of which she knows he will always approve of if he was present at the moment, she would always present it to us by saying “I have discussed with your father and we have agreed to do this…” She was making us understand that she isn’t just speaking on her own but the behalf of the leadership board! If he still eventually disagree with her, they debate it in private, make resolutions and reach a common ground! Then mum comes openly to say “well, your father and I have changed our mind.”
The Bible says that except two agree, they cannot walk together. But we must understand that there is no agreement without one submitting to another or one dropping some differences aside. Being in an agreement doesn’t mean being without differing opinions, it means that in a particular cause, goal or vision, there is an agreement to work it out together. For an agreement to happen, one must submit to another person’s ideas or they may both find a common ground to agree and do away with some harmless differences.
For example, the man may want to buy a fifty thousand dollar worth of car but the woman would prefer that the money be used for something else. They may argue this for a while and the woman may realize how important a car may be to the family but her idea on how the money should be used may also be perfect. They can both reach an agreement in which the man may purchase a twenty thousand dollar car while the rest of the money is used for the other stuff or at least get it half done if it was going to take all the money. Now you see, they reached an agreement but dropping the differences and finding common ground.
Talking about the man’s leadership as the head, it is often misunderstood and abused. First of all, man is endowed with the ability, physique and emotion to lead. Man is also designed to interpret submission as love. The leadership of man is not a bossy relationship but servant leadership, the kind we saw in Jesus. The leadership of the man in marriage isn’t such that dominate the entire affairs of the woman and subject her to unfair treatments. The woman is not a subject, she is actually like a co-pilot!
A man who doesn’t understand the office and role of a wife cannot lead her well or even give her the chance to function effectively as a wife. The husband is not General Commander in Chief of the family. In the army, you are asked to obey the last order but marriage isn’t like that. The leadership of the man is implemented in the frameworks of friendship and love. Men are meant to protect their wives and not subdue them! That is what their strength is for
What some interpret as leadership is coming home late in the night, shutting the woman up when questions are asked and living without accountability. It is wrong! It is easy to identify men who would abuse leadership privilege even before marriage. Any man who places a demand on submission will abuse their office a husband at every slightest opportunity.
When the man leads his home the way Jesus modelled leadership and the woman submits to this leadership with all sincerity, they will both have the greatest influence towards each other and see the goal of that marriage fulfilled tremendously.
The office of the wife only makes sense in submission. Being submissive to the man’s leadership in the home is how he interprets love and being very attentive, considerate and caring to the woman in marriage is how she interprets love.
For the sake of clarity, a woman whose opinion counts to you will always cherish you. Leaders aren’t people whose opinions are final. By being attentive, they also make good use of a differing opinion when it will yield more result than that which they hold. On the other hand, even when the differing opinion makes no sense, they appreciate those opinions, making the other person understand why it has to be the other way round.
Marriage is a union and therefore cannot be productive when the couples are independent of each other. Until a woman also understands what submission is, she may not do so well in marriage or as a wife. The wife is also a leader and she is wired to be positively emotional, creative and multi-tasking. These attributes are very important and with it, they can make an untold impact on the family.
A man needs those emotional, creative and multi-tasking quality of a woman to lead the home well. Most men who neglect their wives don’t do well, they feel taking care of the children is all about spending money on them but that is just one out of many! When the man understands the role the woman is playing in his life, he will pay attention to her, stay accountable to her and carry her along with all that he is doing.
The woman submits unknowingly not just if she loves you but when you love her. The beautiful thing about loving her and showing it intentionally is that it triggers a sense of security in her making her fall blindly into your arms without fear, knowing that you’ll protect her. Perhaps, you should see submission as a woman willingly falling into your arms.
The question is, does she trust your arms? Have those arms disappointed them before? Earn that trust and you will never have to say “don’t you know I am the man of the house?”
Women are great but greatest when loved. Genuine love brings us the best of a woman. Now, a good leader knows how to bring out the best of others. When she isn’t submitting to you, while checking other factors, you may also want to look back and see where you aren’t getting it… Bring out the best of her and the key to this is genuine love!
Do you see that? Leaders should be accountable and when a man is accountable to his wife, she will trust him enough to submit to him. Let me give you another perspective on what submission is. It is not slavery, it is not acting in the capacity of a housemaid. It is a voluntary act of giving in to the leadership of another. As I started, in every successful organisation, there must be leaders and upcoming leaders but there must also be a hierarchy in the leadership system that must be respected.
Being the head doesn’t mean disrespecting another, seeing yourself as superior and seeing others as your subjects. When both men and women understand this, they will find joy staying in their place of assignment as couples and parents, knowing that they aren’t inferior but very important! While the leadership of the man makes him respect his woman and bring the best out of her, the leadership role of the woman makes her willingly follow the lead of her man, putting the best of her to the course of their relationship.
Let me put this thing in another word so that it makes more sense to you.
Love is the only true means a man can exercise leadership in marriage or relationships and submission is the only true means a woman can exercise leadership in marriage or relationship. It sounds so simple but when we look into this from a practical perspective, we’ll realize that with love, a man exhibits all the virtues of a servant leader and with submission a woman has enormous influence both in the marriage and in the family.
I hope you find this portion of the Holy Bible very useful.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbandsas you do to the Lord.For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,his body, of which he is the Savior.Husbands, love your wives,just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for herto make her holy,cleansingher by the washingwith water through the word,and to present her to himselfas a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.In this same way, husbands ought to love their wivesas their bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:22-23, 25-28
A young woman once complained to me that her husband is putting so much pressure on her to do more than she is doing sexually. She knew she was doing well already but he keeps introducing unhealthy options like binding her on the bed, blindfolding her and rough handling her during sex. Sometimes he prefers switching to her anus and anytime she objects he would come up with the popular line “if you don’t satisfy me sexually, you may be pushing me to another woman.”
How would you have defined sexual satisfaction the way you defined it today if you have not explored various sexual opportunities? What some people call sexual satisfaction today is simply an impossible fantasy which they have built up in their head over time using several sexual encounters. Some have experimented beyond the normal, opened themselves up to dangerous fantasies and heaping the burden on someone else.
Some women demand so much from their husbands that they push these men to surgically or medically increase their penis. Why? These ladies in the past have so much engaged with men of several sizes to the point that they keep fantasizing that it is “the bigger, the better.” Some have pushed their men into taking drugs so that they can last in bed for one hour and therefore making ten minutes or even less look as though it is not normal. Their men would take these drugs and keep hurting their body organs in a bid to meet up with someone’s new idea of “sexual satisfaction”.
Some people get their idea of sexual satisfaction from pornographic movies. Just the way you watch movies and see people act as though they are dead is the same way these pornographic movies give people the wrong idea of what satisfaction is. If not that people have explored various sexual opportunities or fed their mind with wrong contents from the media about sex, on what basis would they have ascertained what sexual satisfaction is?
Today, people feel they aren’t good enough because of the size of their sexual organs or the few minutes they would last on the bed when having an intimate encounter with their partner. So many relationships started having problems from here. Many sexually healthy and normal people have been pushed to start engaging themselves in absolute nonsense just to be glorified with the false title of “sexual satisfactory”.
You see, the reason why God designed sex for married couples is so that people don’t make the mistake of tasting what they can’t have and eventually start demanding such taste from someone else who is different. Another reason is this when our sexual experience has to be with our spouse, we wouldn’t have those useless ideas of ” sexual satisfaction” that don’t even exist. When you tune in to the media, you see all manner of adverts for the increase of the sexual organs from the normal size to abnormal sizes, you also see adverts for drugs that would make one stay on sex for hours. This way, they are creating an impression that few minutes of sex isn’t normal, they are creating an impression that the size of your sexual organs isn’t normal. People had gone to increase their breasts, buttocks, waist, penis and so on because they feel very inferior about themselves!
When a man or woman can’t function sexually, it is a problem that needs attention. It could be medical, emotional it psychological attention that they need and it is not wrong to seek a way out of the problem. But when they can function properly and yet seek unnecessary solutions to further satisfy their partner sexually, then there is a problem. Don’t let people put you into trouble with their definitions of sexual satisfaction. Don’t even think that you can keep them faithful to yourself by being “sexually satisfying”. What satisfies them today would suddenly not satisfy them again tomorrow.
Don’t let anyone put on you, the burden of all the years of unnecessary sexual encounters they have exposed themselves to. Some women, in their careless days, have given themselves up to men who take tramadol for sex, some have allowed themselves to be used sexually by numerous men at the same time as a process of cult initiation. When they finally end up in marriage with a man who doesn’t take tramadol for sex, they feel he isn’t sexually satisfying and some would want to engage in such orgy they had experienced before. It would not have been that way if they never unlocked those abnormal desires.
A woman once told me that her husband suddenly began to demand threesome and because she doesn’t want to lose him, she is considering inviting her best friend over. Isn’t that absurd? Very disgusting! Her husband must have unlocked those bizarre desires because he had tasted it or filled his mind with such nonsense to an extent. Don’t let anyone use you as a tool to satisfy their unhealthy desires, walk away instead.
This is also why it is important to understand the sexual philosophy of someone before getting into a union with him or her. We should stop playing religious during courtship. Always bring in topics that would gradually throw light on what they think about sex. It is not wrong to discuss sex before marriage because you need to understand if it is something you can handle. Create an atmosphere that can make people open up to you about their sexual experiences or desires. Don’t just get married because you both share some vision, don’t just get married because you are emotionally compatible, don’t just get married because you feel attracted to each other… Also, put sexual compatibility in check. It may not look like a problem in the beginning but this is a mistake you should not afford!
Whatever you explore will increase or add to your desires. I have always heard ugly stories about travelling on boats but one day, necessity demanded that I travel by boat. After the experience, I have always desired opportunities to travel by boat. A desire was birthed, I had never desired it until I experienced it. When people explore wrongly, they will develop the wrong desires.
Some people were very satisfied with their spouse until they decided to know what it feels like with another man or woman. They aren’t cheating on their spouses because the other person satisfies them, they cheat because they are looking for the satisfaction that doesn’t exist. It is like chasing after the rainbow, it always seems near and yet you aren’t getting there. Some people think they are on the verge of getting satisfied but it never comes. They would feel, maybe, if I should have sex with someone whose penis is bigger, I would be more satisfied and then they eventually meet someone with a bigger penis. But after the experience, they would feel that maybe, if it was a little bigger, they would be more satisfied and they go ahead looking for another bigger stuff. This way, they keep developing abnormal desires.
You have to take control of your desires, you have to understand that taste can be a threat to your marriage. Don’t taste what you don’t need, don’t explore or develop unhealthy desires. If you have ever seen yourself moving that direction, you’re heading towards destruction and you need to stop and ask yourself questions. Don’t unlock desires that are bad for you and harmful to others and don’t allow anybody uses you to satisfy desires you weren’t made for. Your anus isn’t designed for sex, so don’t make it available. You are special and therefore you can’t sign up for a threesome. If people insist that you must hurt yourself to satisfy them sexually, walk away and stay on the safe side.
Be intentional about what you taste, don’t be swayed around by undefined pleasure. Don’t also hurt others when you have exposed yourself to dangerous and unhealthy desires. Seek rehabilitation, start renewing your mind with the right thoughts and the right desires. It may take time but it is possible.
Once again, what we call satisfaction may not even exist.